View Quote Agent J: [As he and K approach a drug dealer with a pug dog] That's the worst disguise ever. That guy's definitely an alien.
Frank the Pug:(is the dog) If you don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt.
Agent K: Busy, Frank?
Frank: Sorry, Kay. I can't talk right now, my ride's leaving in-- [K grabs him] Whoa! Get yer paws off me!
Agent K: [Aloud] Call the pound, we got a stray!
Agent J: [To a passing pedestrian] Uh, the dog owes my friend money.
Agent K: [To Frank] Arquillians and Bugs, Frank. What do you know about them?
Frank: I know nothing.
Agent K: Not a thing? [Starts to shake him]
Frank: [Yelping] Whoa! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Okay, okay. Rosenberg wasn't some two-bit Arquillian. He was the guardian of a whole galaxy. They thought he'd be safe here on Earth.
Agent K: And the Bug had other plans?
Frank: That galaxy is the best source of subatomic energy in the universe. If the Bugs get their slimy claws on it, kiss the Arquillians goodbye!
Agent J: [To K] Ask him about the belt.
Agent K: [To Frank] Rosenberg said something about a galaxy on Orion's belt. What's he talking about, Frank?
Frank: Beats me.
Agent K: Beat you? Ok. [Shakes him more violently, even rolling him over in mid-air]
Agent J: [To another passing pedestrian] We're rehearsing a ventriloquist act.
Frank: [Whilst being shaken] THE GALAXY IS HERE!!!
Agent K: What do you mean "here"?
Agent J: The galaxy's hundreds and millions of stars and planets. How's it here?
Frank: You humans. When're you gonna learn that size doesn't matter? Just 'cause something's important, doesn't mean it's not very, very small.
Agent K: How small?!
Frank: Tiny. Like the size of a marble or a jewel. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta be walked before my flight. [K puts him down]
[K asks J to use the Neuralyzer to wipe his memory, as he wants to go back to the life he had with his girlfriend 35 years ago]
Agent K: [To Agent J] They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never really look at them anymore, but they actually are quite... beautiful.
Agent J: Uh, Kay? You're frightening your partner.
Agent K: [Pointing to the various buttons on the Neuralyzer] Days, months, years. Always face it forward.
[Agent J puts on his glasses and loads the Neuralyzer]
Agent K: See ya round, J.
Agent J: No, you won't. [The Neuralyzer's flash beam eclipses the screen]
[after telling J that they're going to check the "hot sheets," K buys some tabloid newspapers]
Agent J: These are the hot sheets?
Agent K: Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.
View Quote Agent J: [Talking to Agent K in the MIB elevator] All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next-level sh*t going on around here, and I'm with that. But before y'all get to beaming me up, there's just a few things you should know. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills. And I want nobody calling me 'son' or 'kid' or 'sport' or nothing like that, cool?
Agent K: Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your skills... [Elevator doors open revealing MIB's massive headquarters] As of right now, they mean precisely 'dick'.
View Quote Agent K: Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Agent J: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Agent K: One hour.
Agent J: One hour. Then what?
[The message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB - DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED. SORRY."]
Agent J: Oh, that's bullsh*t! [The countdown begins]
View Quote Agent K: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Agent J: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullsh*t! In case you've forgotten, there's an alien battle cruiser--
Agent K: There's always an alien battle cruiser, or a Corellian death ray, or an intergalactic plague intended to wipe out life on this miserable little planet. The only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
View Quote Agent K: You don't happen to know what alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
Agent J: Wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night. Damn. Alex said--
Agent K: [To Zed on a phone-like device] Zed, we have a Bug.
Agent J: What, we don't like Bugs?
Agent K: Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, and thrive on the death and destruction of other species.
Agent J: [Cheerfully incredulous] You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Agent K: [Interrupts] Slick, imagine a giant ****roach — with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a REAL short temper — is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand new Edgar-suit. That sound like fun?
View Quote Agent K:[Opens a pair of large doors revealing shelves of advanced weaponry. Grabs a large gun and holds it in front of Agent J] Series 4 Deatomizer.
Agent J: Now that's what I'm talkin' about.
Agent K: [Pulls the weapon away and presents another, much smaller weapon to Agent J] Noisy Cricket.
Agent J: Aw, Kay? Nah, nah, come on, man! You get a Series 4 Deatomizer, I get a little Midget Cricket? [Absentmindedly points the gun at Kay as he is speaking]
Agent K: [Grabs Agent J's arm and points the gun away from him] Whoa!
Agent J: [Continues to stare at the weapon in disbelief] I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!
View Quote Edgar/The Bug: [To an exterminator who has come to spray the ****roaches in his barn] Just what exactly do you think you're doing here?
Exterminator: I'm here to take care of your pest problem.
Edgar/The Bug: Pest problem? PEST?!
Exterminator: Yeah, you got one hell of an infestation.
Edgar/The Bug: [Referring to the human race] You know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond s****. Totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.
Exterminator: Well, yeah. Uh, don't you wanna get rid of 'em?
Edgar/The Bug: Oh, in the worst way. [Kills the exterminator with his own pesticide]
View Quote Edgar/The Bug: [To J and K after they shoot down his escape ship] OH, YOU IDIOTS! You don't get it! I've won. It's over. YOU'RE MILK-SUCKERS! You don't matter! In fact, in a few seconds, you won't even be matter.
Agent K: You're under arrest for violating number 4-1-53 of the Tycho Treaty.
Agent J: So hand over whatever galaxy you may be holding, step away from your busted-ass vehicle and put your hands on your head.
Edgar/The Bug: I see. I put my hands... on... on my head. [Does so] Like this? [Starts ripping off his rotting disguise, revealing himself as a huge, monstrous ****roach-like alien. He then swallows J and K's weapons and knocks them aside]
Agent K: That didn't at all go the way I planned.
View Quote Edgar/The Bug: Where do you keep your dead?!
Manny the News Vendor: I don't have any dead.
Edgar/The Bug: [Grabs him] WHERE?!
Manny the News Vendor: I don't know. Uh, the city morgue?
View Quote Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living. All I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind! You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!
[The Bug's flying saucer smashes into Edgar's truck. Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
Edgar: Figures.
Beatrice: What the heck is it, Edgar?
Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house.
[Beatrice goes back inside, while Edgar loads his shotgun and stands over the smoking crater where his truck was parked]
The Bug: [The Bug orders Edgar, yet the viewer cannot see the creature as it is in the crater] Place projectile weapon on the ground.
Edgar: You can have my gun.... when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.
The Bug: Your proposal is acceptable. [A long arm with long, bony digits grabs Edgar, pulls him into the crater and consumes him]
View Quote James Edwards: When was the last time you had a CAT scan?
Agent K: About six months ago, it's a company policy.
James Edwards: Right. You should make another appointment.
View Quote Overweight Cop: Edwards, if you were half the man I am--
James Edwards: What the hell you talking about? I am half the man you are.
View Quote [At the MIB shooting range]
Zed: Edwards, what the hell happened?
Agent J: Hesitated.
Zed: [Presses a button on a remote control which brings forward a target of a girl holding some books. There is a bullet hole in her head] May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
Agent J: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
Agent J: [Looks around the shooting range] Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light. But then I realized he's just workin' out, you know. I mean, how'd I feel if someone came in bustin' my ass while I'm on a treadmill? Then I was gonna shoot this snarling beast guy, then I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and I realized, he's not snarling, he's sneezing, there ain't a real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany, and I'm thinkin "eight year-old white girl, out on the street this time of night, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, hangin' around with quantum physics books?!" She's about to start some sh*t, Zed! I mean, she's only about eight years old, those books are way too advanced for her. So, if you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or do I owe her an apology?
View Quote [J and K listen to an Elvis cassette in the car]
Agent J: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Agent K: No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home.
View Quote [Jeebs is an alien who has sold an illegal weapon to a cephalopod. K shoots his head apart when he won't admit this. He begins regrowing it]
Jeebs: You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings?
